|We're attempting to make these for her birthday|
Her birthday has me realizing that I'm staring down the barrel of a somewhat significant birthday. Granted, it's still a few months off but I can't help but feel the pressure. I'm not big on celebrating birthdays. Dinner with people who love me, maybe a cake, are all I really want. Of course, gifts are always appreciated, especially those of cash, but time and company are the things I want the most from people. But what do I want from myself?
I never expected to be at this point in my life. Kids were never a consideration when I was planning my future, which is probably one of God's biggest jokes. "You can't stand kids? Well, here's these two, I dare you to do anything but love them."
|Bubble Fairies - fabric print I designed|
I find myself designing more children's clothing and homey doodads that I wouldn't have ever thought I'd contemplate. (Aprons? Really? Well, yes, really, and they're really cute.) I'm also finding myself drawn to more ethereal things, and aching to make things that make me weep with their beauty. I look at some of my fabric designs and find them wanting because they can't match what I see in my head. I have to go back to the realization that I never considered myself an artist, even when my greatest ambition was to write, and keep writing, and publish enough books to support myself.
So, what do I want? I expect little, and desire even less, from 'the world' that we live in. Nobody owes me anything and I like to keep it that way. From myself, I expect brilliance, something I can't hope to achieve on my own.